Better days of only beginnings and no endings in sight. Those days of smiles forming inadvertently. Those days of loving with conviction. Those days when we believed in the moments dreamt up in poetry.
Better moments like the linger before that first kiss. The tension and the tiny smiles. The erratic heartbeats and quivering fingers. The moment before something possible became something real. The moment when small steps became great bounds.
Those better days of light and ease. Better moments held in the generous embrace of bedsheets. It was late nights and early mornings. The first of the filtered eastern sun’s glow, your arm under my neck. It was me sitting upright, reading in the orange light, while you nestled in deep next to me. Your laboured breathing always told me you had dozed off again.
Better days of when there was a future. Conversations about great trips across great continents. Better days of cautionary promises and inclusions.
Those better days when we were still in the campaign phase of our relationship - all promise and no accountability.
Better days compared to bitter days.
Bitter days when you’re done romanticising that final good bye. Those days you accept the cinematic twist is not coming. Those days the poorly covered facade begins to crack.
Bitter days like when you asked me if we could see other people. My forehead creased in confusion and my breath raced. My fingers trembled as they traced the grain of the table. I didn’t want to see other people. You asked me if I would allow you to. I held my heart in my throat and I didn’t look up.
Bitter days when all you can do is listen closely to that ticking clock and wait. Bitter days of ‘anymores’, ‘used to bes’ and ‘no longers’. Bitter days of looking back at better days from the outside. Bitter days of comparison. The bitterness of remembering a moment so vividly and drowning in how badly you miss it.
Bitter days of echoing emptiness. That night I chose to feel it and you couldn’t choose. That bitter moment when I realised there was nothing left to save.
Those days when we were haunted by the silhouette of unfulfilled campaign promises.